Category Archives: Poetry

change your mind

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I wonder if you know that sometimes I just want to give in.

i know i am the one who closed the door,

the one who set the boundaries between what there is of us.

it was me. and i can’t say i did the wrong thing.

in fact, i am positive it was the right thing

…but i want you to know that it is so very hard.

I just want to reach out, be friendly, like it was before.

i know i am the one who has the issue

the one who has to take the step back from the closeness of you.

it is me. and there isn’t anything i can change.

at this point, i know i need to leave it as it is

…but i want you to know it is always a deep struggle.

I wanna say a simple “hi” and have it be nothing more.

i know i am the one who can’t let go

the one who doesn’t seem to be able to just move on from here.

it has to be. and i’m honestly not sure i want to.

it is you, the one who has burned into me

…and i want you to know that i treasure that scar.

I wonder if you know that sometimes I wish about you.

wishing flowers

{the thing I have always loved about poetry is that it gives my heart a language to speak with.  the rules are there are no rules…and expression is completely loosed. no one else really knows for sure what is being said, even when the words seem totally clear, and so it gives the ability to hide while standing right in front of you.  i love poetry…and i hope you don’t mind that I let my heart do the talking from time to time.}

Looking up, as always…

Bina

explain it to me

by

i don’t know how you do what you do

how your stare can travel over the miles

and nail me to the ground where i stand

you can turn your eye my direction

after so long closed

and i feel guilty for looking away

you were the one who left me

as my heart bled out into my hands

but somehow the way you turned your back

left me feeling as though i had more to prove

more to do and more to be

i don’t understand why it matters anymore

coming back to the point where we left off

trying to move forward

when what there was of us died

before it ever had a chance to really live

explain it to me

because i stand here,

my mind swirling in the circus of memories,

unsure of how to feel

just explain it, please

because i try and try to figure you out

but it seems that the more i try

the more i lose who i am

Inspiration flows as I listen to

“Rain” by Ginny Owens on this late night.

{the thing I have always loved about poetry is that it gives my heart a language to speak with.  the rules are there are no rules…and expression is completely loosed. no one else really knows for sure what is being said, even when the words seem totally clear, and so it gives the ability to hide while standing right in front of you.  i love poetry…and i hope you don’t mind that I let my heart do the talking from time to time.}

Looking up, as always…

Bina

fully broken, totally saved

by

Tonight I was drawn to lay down at your feet… 

My face clinging to the dirty robe, my fingers absently caressing the seams of worn sandals, I was somehow lost to the fact that we weren’t here alone…my hot tears blinding me to the reality that anyone other than you and I ever existed, I pressed myself to the ground that was as dirty as I had ever been.

Passion won out to reason as my heart broke open…

I absorbed your truth without effort, as if I didn’t need to hear words for my mind to know…as if I didn’t need to process language for my heart to hear, I just knew more than I ever had.  Knowledge kept me from realizing I wasn’t supposed to be there…and love shielded me from taking in that you were the only one in the room who wanted me to be right where I was.

As I poured my pain out over your feet, substituting perfume for what I couldn’t put into words, my eyes were suddenly opened wide…the world became more clear than it had ever been and all I could take in was how, for me, I was here, again on my face but somehow completed for the first time…

fully broken, totally saved…both in love and loved fully.

As I turned to leave, my ears took in the crowd around us as it voiced its outrage at what I had done. I started to doubt, started to crumble…until I caught a glimpse of your sweet, sweet smile…until I realized I had been saved from ever needing to doubt again.

…tonight I was pulled from my bed at midnight by a mind that wouldn’t shut off.  So I turned my iPod on shuffle and opened my journal & Bible.

The story of Mary washing the feet of Jesus ran thru my mind as MercyMe’s new song “The First Time” began to play…and suddenly my heart was overwhelmed with a picture of the simplicity of love when it is set free of the inhibitions that keep it from acting.

I realize Mary could have felt or thought a gazillion other things as she poured her perfume out over the feet of our Lord… that she may or may not have been aware that Jesus was the only one in the room who cared anything about her… that she may have been driven to His feet by a great number of concerns or sins.

…but tonight, her story became my own as I poured myself out at His feet.  Tonight, I took on the passion she acted out…and I did it simply because I wanted to be near Him…simply because I love Him…and simply because I no longer cares who knows it.

Looking up, as always…

Bina

to let you go

by

There comes a moment

when yesterday collides

head on with today -

when the girl of my past

screams out from within

the woman who now exists.

Memories, suddenly unleashed,

…scampering

…playing

dancing in my field of vision.

The man you became

now erased, drowned out

leaving only the baby boy i knew

…and played with

…and loved

oh so long ago.

I struggle to comprehend how,

to understand the reasons why,

as my eyes burn with salty tears.

Sixteen years have passed us by

…since you knew my face

…since I heard you say my name

yet, somehow, it seems like yesterday.

I guess a heart never forgets…

never releases the ones it loves.

Too young for a life to end…

…and yet, you’re no longer here.

I can only sit, cry and pray

…that His embrace be enough

…that His hand be a comfort

…that His grace be sufficient

both for the one now in His presence

and the mother, my friend,

who has to let you go.

…from the boy I knew to the man you became, I loved you still…

Linking up with Jen’s Place.

Looking up, as always…

Bina

in the shade {L13}

by

Day 13

in the dark i hide

the brilliance painful

the shadows comforting

alluring to a heart overflowing

tender to a soul shivering

to the shade i run

seeking what i have lost

overwhelmed i come to be free

to pretend it doesn’t matter

even when i know it does

in the dark i let go

standing bare against the chill

allowing myself to cry

giving way to the screams

dropping the facade i usually grasp

to the shade i cling

dropping to a humbled bow

for even here, You are

even here, You reign and comfort

for there is no place You can’t hold me

Inspiration:

  • knowing that sometimes it is ok to admit standing in the face of defeat
  • remembering that the “lows” are simply a reminder to call “up”
  • Psalm 139′s “Where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I flee Your presence?” and the comfort of knowing I am never outside of His arm’s reach
  • Adele’s version of “Lovesong”, a mournfully sweet expression of my heart’s cry to my Truest Love

Looking up, as always…
Bina

if it leads me back

by

Sometimes… in those in-between moments when our own words fail to come …sometimes, you happen across a soul that seemingly knows your heart and is able to express what you can’t… sometimes, someone else’s voice can fill in the cracks that cover your soul…

Today… is one of those sometimes.

left in  pieces, walking thru the world that grieves us

don’t let all my pain and weeping be in vain

down in the valley, here where you found me

i’m holding on for every breath

cuz you are all that i have left

and i will face the storm

and surrender all I have

if that’s what i have to do

if it leads me back to you

i would walk a thousand miles

and crawl if i have to

if that’s that i have to do

if it leads me back to you

here’s my heart with every broken part i give you

here’s my fear when all my faith is wearing thru

here in the valley, put your arms around me

not gonna walk away

i know you’ll never let me go

i will face the storm

and surrender all i have

if that’s what i have to do

if it leads me back to you

i would walk a thousand miles

i’ll crawl if i have to

if that’s that i have to do

if it leads me back

and when you go

i will follow

i will come with you

and where you lead

where you take me

i will come with you

so i will face the storm

and surrender all i have

if that’s what i have to do

if it leads me back to you

i would walk a thousand miles

or crawl if i have to

if that’s what i have to do

if it leads me back to you

…leads me back to you.

Thank you, Lindsay McCaul, for your amazing song “If It Leads Me Back”…because today, you sang my heart.

Looking up, as always…

Bina

a conversation with holiness

by

i am not sure why you wanted me to come tonight…at all.

the only thing that still exists in my memory is the scars of yesterday when i shut you out…when i turned my back on what we had to hold onto what i wanted instead.  i know you said you forgave me but the scabs of disconnection still ache from the pain of knowledge…of memory…of the deepest of regrets.

but still, i come…if only to say i was somewhere near you again.

the lights go down and the music plays…pounds…surrounds my mind, dulling for just a moment that which seeks to own my soul.  for just a moment…and yet, somehow, long enough because as i let my eyes drift, i suddenly discover yours driving into me…full of all that i forgot…all that i ran from.

dropping my gaze as realization stabs within…i ache everywhere.

i know you forgive…but why would you trust me?  why would you want me?  i hold my breath as i sense you step into my air, sucking from it all that feeds the lies that have fed me.  as they drop to the ground, void and empty, my knees give way…and it is then that you whisper…and my name is the sweetest word i have. ever. heard.

i can’t help but give into the desire of your touch…of your embrace.

everything i know tells me i don’t deserve this. everything within me knows that you are more than i could ever hope for.  and as you tilt my chin up, my eyes lift to drown in the pool of restoration found swimming steadily in yours. your whisper invades and owns me…and the world floods away in my salty tears.

i don’t know why i ran…what possessed me to think i could ever live without you.

to try to express the sacred mystery of conversation with holiness seems to fall flat against the reality that it happened. with you. to me. ignoring the facts, your arms restored me, somehow reminding me of what i cannot ever forget: there isn’t anywhere i can go to escape your love…to escape your rescue.

i cried for an hour…and hope i was changed for a lifetime.

The Inspiration:

…His willingness to speak audibly, once again, to my seeking heart
…Psalm 23:1&3a
               “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want…He restores my soul…”
…Selah’s “I Turn To You”

Looking up, as always…

Bina

…close…

by

fear punches holes in my thick armor

leaving me in a cold sweat

dropping me in a swirled panic

spinning me in circles

faster…faster

i’d cry out if i still had a voice

if i still had control over my body

if i still remembered who i was before i was taken

…before i was shoved under the chilling fray

deeper…deeper

freedom lies over there

out of my reach, but within my grasp

out of my sight, but still clearly visible

it is over there, while I am shackled here by fear

alone…so alone

i break, the tears burning my face

you laugh, unheard and yet understood

i can’t pray…can’t speak…can’t move

the screams echo in my mind, silent in the thick air

help me…please

warm touch breaks thru the chill

her hand, simple and sweet

her voice, calling to the sleeping me

“Momma…you have to wake up”

deep breath…in

freedom comes in the waking air

away from the place where my enemy hovers

where he plots to bind me in unseen fear

knowing that here i’m brave…only there do i falter

afraid…totally afraid 

the words wash over a battle weary soul:

humble yourself before God

resist the devil and he will flee from you

draw close to God and He will draw close to you

brave…finally brave

i am reminded: He is both here…and there

awake

asleep

i smile, remembering that i am always armed

not alone…never alone

The Inspiration:

My dreams…and waking up from them 

my Pastor’s encouragement today with James 5:7-8a

my Lord…and His use of the night’s terrors to draw me close to Himself

…and “Without You” by Ashes Remain

Looking up, as always…

…bina…

surrender falls bittersweet

by

...in the fog...

with eyes dimmed, closed

i stare…

so desperate to be clear

desperate to finally see

with a heart trampled, bleeding

i plead…

aching to just feel seen

just to feel at all

as a fallen vessel, poured out

Father…

wanting only to let go of me

only to take hold of You.

as a girl who believes, seeks

i bow…

laying before the Throne

i simply come…and wait



Inspiration:


A Sunday evening service…and a few days to chew on it all.


A discussion on whether God is unfair for daring to be sovereign.


A look at my own desire to dictate to Him what is and is not fair based on my own skewed viewpoint…


…a viewpoint that sees only my own comfort


…a viewpoint that can’t see past the here and now where my pain stands against me


…a viewpoint that negates the wonder of grace in the mix of complexity battling


…a viewpoint that I realize isn’t His.


Surrender falls bittersweet on a heart broken for Him.


Looking up, as always…


…bina…

			

	
	



				
					

	

		
It Is There {revisited}

		

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I am a closet introvert who disguises herself as an extrovert in order to hide away from the depth in which my heart struggles to breathe each day. 


Pain and uncertainty battle to drag me down and, more often than not, I swallow the bitter with a splash of laughter…to help survive it, yes, but also to keep others from asking…a vain effort to keep me locked in and “them” locked out.


But I praise the God who knows my heart…


and gives me the space to drop the mask…


and embraces the girl that I really am.


As I re-visit this poem from a year ago…


…I unlock the doors and let “them” in.


It is there.




…in the quiet.


…in the simplicity.


…in the solitude of my heart surrendered.


 


 


 


 


 


It is there…




…in the whisper.


…in the flutter.


…in the dependence of my mind relinquished.


 


 


 


 


 


 


It is there, my Lord, when You meet with me…


…when I leave with my purpose restored,


my heart rejuvenated,


my mind reconditioned.


It is there where I find me wrapped up in You.




Looking up, as always…

…bina…