I know I haven’t posted anything lately.
So I said yesterday that I would do it today…but after a very rough night in my dream-world, I am so jumbled up inside today!! Sitting here, trying to force words onto a page, when all I can think about is the fact that I am oh. so. conflicted.
As I lift my heart towards heaven for a sense of calm…praying away the source of my confliction as much as I beg for relief from the chaos within…an answer falls softly from heaven and my eyes fill with tears of humility…until the churning begins again.
So I pray harder, more pointedly.
I attempt to email those “wiser” than me in the ways of spiritual warfare, but find that I can still only stare at a blinking cursor on a white screen. No words can accurately express what plagues my heart. Every sentence I start trails off somewhere in the middle as I realize that there just. aren’t. words.
The answer falls again…but I can focus only for a minute before the frustration takes over.
So I pray harder, more desperately.
I take to my journal, pouring out the details of the attack thrown at me while I slept… event by event, I change my dream into a harmless list. Just words on paper – nothing that can hurt me – but as my eyes go over those words, my stomach flips over and my heart jumps deeper within my chest, seeking comfort from that which was real but not real all at the same time.
The answer whispers my name…but my fear drives me to seek another.
I pray harder, more…
so much more…
…but the answer doesn’t change and so I realize I just have to wait…
…for Truth to take over what emotion seeks to claim.
Looking up, as always…