Category Archives: God-Bumps

I Had A Dream

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I know I haven’t posted anything lately.

So I said yesterday that I would do it today…but after a very rough night in my dream-world, I am so jumbled up inside today!!  Sitting here, trying to force words onto a page, when all I can think about is the fact that I am oh. so. conflicted.

As I lift my heart towards heaven for a sense of calm…praying away the source of my confliction as much as I beg for relief from the chaos within…an answer falls softly from heaven and my eyes fill with tears of humility…until the churning begins again.

So I pray harder, more pointedly.

I attempt to email those “wiser” than me in the ways of spiritual warfare, but find that I can still only stare at a blinking cursor on a white screen.  No words can accurately express what plagues my heart. Every sentence I start trails off somewhere in the middle as I realize that there just. aren’t. words.

The answer falls again…but I can focus only for a minute before the frustration takes over.

So I pray harder, more desperately.

I take to my journal, pouring out the details of the attack thrown at me while I slept… event by event, I change my dream into a harmless list.  Just words on paper – nothing that can hurt me – but as my eyes go over those words, my stomach flips over and my heart jumps deeper within my chest, seeking comfort from that which was real but not real all at the same time.

The answer whispers my name…but my fear drives me to seek another.

I pray harder, more…

so much more…

…but the answer doesn’t change and so I realize I just have to wait…

…for clarity.

…for peace.

…for Truth to take over what emotion seeks to claim.

Looking up, as always…

Bina

…returning…

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It is hard for me think of God without getting emotional on some level.

Sometimes I am giddy…

Laughing and dancing around…like girl in love for the first time, I see His face at every turn and there isn’t a part of my mind not wrapped around the thought of how my name sounds when whispered on the breeze surrounding me.  My heart flutters and I gush at His attention, knowing I am loved…known on every level and desired for all that I am, despite all that I am not…and I come alive.

Sometimes I am thoughtful…

Quiet and churning…the depth of a relationship tested and tried burning every encounter to my very core, where I put away the clips of His presence like photos in an album to go back to and try to pinpoint certain aspects I missed while living the moments with Him live.  Seeking to discover what I don’t understand…desperate to claim what I think I have to prove…wondering when I stopped being so in love.

Sometimes I am detatched and aloof…

Isolated by my own insecurities, I paddle my island away…deeper and farther into His ocean, I exist on the waves of lies that say I can float without His help or His permission…somehow forgetting that the same water that pushes me out to sea, floods back to His feet.  I seek a shadow to hide my heart behind while in the midst of penetrating brilliance…and I wonder when I stopped being so thoughtful.

And sometimes I am broken and aware…

His holy presence sweeping into my space, embracing all that I am simply by BEING… and without any hesitation or permission, my soul bows deep…my eyes lock with the ground as I realize that I am not worthy to even exist here, much less breathe.  He says my name…and I break into tears that cause everything else to vanish into the reality that nothing matters except that He is here…

with me…

because He loves me.

Because He.

loves…me.

…how is that even possible?

…and I wonder how I could ever exist without being so in love.

Today, I am inking up with:

Looking up, as always…

Bina

…and He walks with me…

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One of the dangers of “walking with God” is that we can often forget just who it is that we are walking with.

Like any friendship, we become complacent about the amazing qualities that, in the beginning, drew us to want to know the other person.  We lose sight of the fact that nothing is guaranteed and we take for granted that they are “just” them…and we stop being grateful for the little things that make up the amazing person we cared enough about to love.

My relationship with God is one that I am incredibly thankful for as it is very…comfortable.

He is the warm fire that kills the chill from my weary bones…or the comfy, well-worn sneakers that always make me feel like I am home, even when worn hundreds of miles away from it.  He is my favorite story… my best known memory… my friend, comforter and lover.  He is the one that I can call when I don’t have the emotional energy to explain myself… and the one confidant that isn’t afraid to tell me that I am dead wrong.

He is my everything…and yet, somehow, I forget.

I lose sight of His strength as I battle my inability to understand “why”.  I overlook His reality when I get lost in the “must have’s” that flash and signal and scream out to me.  I give up on His comfort because chocolate covered ANYthing is better than having to feel what I would rather ignore.  I run away from His black-and-white truth when I long to live in the shades of grey that make me feel justified in doing what it is that I want to do.

I forget…until He reminds me.

This morning, I made the time to meet with the friend I take the most liberties with…and in one simple verse, He blew me away as the Word reminded me that while I often don’t love Him enough, He couldn’t ever love me more.  And that thought sent me into a 15 minute crying-talking-snot running conversation that made me so very thankful for a Holy Spirit who can interpret what I can’t properly express…mainly cuz I am an emotional girl!! :)

My “wake-up” verse this morning came in the simple reminder of just who my Redeemer is:

This morning I am joining a sweet Iowa friend (and the others at her blog) as she focuses on the God-things that make you go “Hmmm…”…and for me, the reminder that the One I walk with is the same One who bares the radiance of God’s glory and the exact imprint of His nature is enough to make me not only say “Hmmm…” but also smile as I realize that He has chosen ME to walk with.

Looking up, as always…

Bina