Category Archives: Bible

When Knowing The Story Just Isn’t Enough

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I am a writer.

Not because I am published or known by readers everywhere.

No, I am a writer simply because that is who I am.

I take what I feel & see and I translate it into words…and when I do this, somehow even in the midst of all I don’t understand, I find that I can be at peace with life.  I have done this since I was a teenager, in various forms of journals, letters and blogs over the years.  Poetry, songs, stories and confessions…the balance within my heart has always revolved around the words that poured out from my hands…whether it was read by an online group or just me & God, clarity was found when I stopped “doing” and just focused.

So you can imagine the damage done when I decided, not too long ago, to put away my pens and paper and stop translating life as I knew it.

I would love to say it was because it was just too hard.  It was, but that wasn’t what did it.

I wish I could just push the blame off on someone or something…anything to make it seem like it was a direct result of some horrible injustice done to me.  It was, but that wasn’t what did it.

I stopped writing because to write was to feel…and I didn’t want to feel because it hurt.

So I spent a very long time in silent mode.  I sat and watched the dust gather on my journal…and with every layer, I felt myself fade just a little more.  No longer taking in oxygen, I was trying to survive on gas fumes and was somehow convinced that I could do it.  I mean, I guess I didn’t totally realize that I was suffocating…at least, not in a sense that I could see that I was doing just as much damage to myself as life was trying to.  I knew that it hurt…no matter how I tried to pretend that I was still in control, e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. pulsed with an ache that screamed to be acknowledged…and instead of taking the time to deal with it, I turned my back to look for a different path to take.

No. That’s wrong. I didn’t look…I demanded one that didn’t require me to be accountable for my responses…one that didn’t require me to speak to God, who I was blaming for the intensity of it all anyway (yeah…different post, different day)…one that didn’t make me get up and out of the comfort zone I had created from within the chaos.

I stopped writitng…and I was dying as a result.

With every passing day, my connection built with God over the years and experiences lived became nothing more than pretty memories, like favorite novels on a shelf.  Before long, I had an amazing library, filled with amazing books…but the moment came when I realized that I wasn’t content to own a magnificent collection of stories.  It wasn’t enough to know the stories or to remember who I was…oh no! I wanted needed to BE her again.  I wanted it so badly that I would sit and cry, rocking back and forth with longing to just feel like I belonged in my own skin again.  That girl in those books…oh, she had it together.  I mean, she wasn’t perfect by long shot…haha, hardly…but loving God was easy for her simply because she did it by being who He made her to be.

A writer.journal3

Two weeks ago, I picked my journal back up.

I cracked the pages and started simply…song lyrics and doodles, mostly.  But I did it – allowing my hands to play with the pen on the paper, knowing that eventually that girl would make her way down from the bookshelves.  I knew that while I hadn’t given God much of who I was lately, He never forgot who He created…and I guess I began to believe in me again simply because I knew, somehow, that He still did.

He always does…and as angry as I had been, how is it possible to stay that way in the face of pure grace??  Mmmm…I suppose I made it longer than I should have, but no longer than He knew that I would…and at that sweet fact, I am blown away by love, perfected.

I don’t have it all together yet.  In fact, I am still a little shaky on this whole “transparency” thing right now, finding it intensely scary to live in the light when I have chosen to make due in the shadows for so long now.

But I get up and dust myself off because I am not content with just being a reader of great novels in the library of my heart.

How can I be when I am not a reader?  No, I am a writer.

…because that is who He made me to be and right now, that knowledge is enough to fill my soul with a gentle peace that promises that everything will be ok as long as I walk with the One who knows me best…and loves me most.

This song…an offering of my heart from where I am tonight.  This post…just another step in getting up again.

Looking up, again…as always,

Bina

Sunday’s invasion into my week

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I love my church.

I know I can count on going and walking away marked somewhere inside.  It is a place where I am known…loved…missed when gone…and kept accountible.  I am easily distracted spiritually (think Dory from Finding Nemo) and it is anchoring for my soul to know that I can have that place to run to – to be known and to be challenged with sound Biblical teaching, week in and week out.

jeremiahThis past Sunday, our pastor covered an entire chapter of Jeremiah in one sermon…but my heart only heard one verse.

One sentence, actually, in the midst of the 34 verses listed in chapter 7…and once we got to it, my mind never moved passed it.  I mean, I still listened as the teaching continued…but I listened as one who had just tripped over a curb while following a tour guide: It was impacting…jarring to every sense I had inside me…and it has whispered itself in the air around me, again and again, in the hours since I left that pew.

…Walk in obedience to all I command you, that it may go well with you.

It isn’t a “new” or “radical” teaching for me, or for anyone who has spent any time in the Word.  This wasn’t the first time I had heard about His desire for our obedience…but somehow, this time, when my eyes took in these words, something finally made so much sense.

You see, I struggle with sin.

(I know.  It is a shocking confession…just keeping it real.)

It isn’t the sin that bothers me so much, but the fact that some of the things I deal with are things I have dealt with for y.e.a.r.s.  Things that I know I should have moved on from already…dealt with…accepted His atonement for and left in the past.  But I don’t.  And I get so angry at myself for still being “here“, coming in again to seek forgiveness for “this“.  Then that anger leads to me opening doors marked with things like “depression”, “self saving”, “complacency”, etc.

I walked into church three days ago with quite a few of those doors open inside of me…smiling on the outside, but boiling over within…silently begging God to just make it all stop.  To make it all ok.  To make me ok.

Why can’t I just move on?

Why can’t I just trust You enough?

…believe You enough?

…have enough faith?

God…please.

Walk in obedience to all I command you, that it may go well with you.

I know that, God. That’s what I mean.

I try and I try to fix it.

…to stop it.

…to let it go.

…to fight the good fight.

But I can’t, Lord…I just can’t.

WALK in OBEDIENCE.

Right. I know.

Give up the sins.

Be holy.

…a good example to the world around me.

…a person who lives a life that no one can accuse.

…perfect.

I can’t…I keep trying and trying and trying and…

JUST OBEY ME. That’s it. Stop trying to do and fix and be. Stop. Hear Me. Just walk…just take what I ask you to do and DO it.  That’s it.

…that’s it?

But what about…

…no. Hear Me, please. JUST this: Obey Me.

Think, my child.  Have I EVER failed you when you have done that?

…no.

Walk in obedience to all I command you, that it MAY GO WELL WITH YOU.

I’ve got you. I promise.

In a matter of mere seconds, that conversation played out…and I sat back in total shock that I had missed something so simple: my walk has nothing to do with my “ability to be faithful and good” and has everything to do with my “simple obedience”.

I think we “grow up” and suddenly think that we have a new, adult, mature way to be led by God…but the early childhood method works just fine: ask your parent if you can and then do what they say.  “No” means no…”yes” means yes.  Super simple in a super complicated world, I know…but is it really all that complicated or does it just seem that way?

If He said no to something (using the Bible as the basis…Godly council when unsure…also hearing that warning bell that goes off in our heads when we are going the wrong way), He meant no. So don’t do it.  Easier said than done – and yet, in the past three days, when I have been unsure or tempted, I let the verse replay in my mind and it wasn’t so hard to know what He would want me to do.

No…the hard part is just doing the right thing.

Looking up, as always…

Bina

…in which I question Oswald Chambers

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While I believe the truth that we are all “equals in the eyes of God”…there are certain names that cause me to ponder how deeply I trust it, haha.  You know how it is…there are just some people who make your knowledge of God tremble in comparison to their wealth of understanding as you just know you don’t know even half of what they have stored away in their hearts and minds.

People like C. S. Lewis, Billy Graham, Oswald Chambers.

You know…the BIG names.

And so it is with a little fear and trembling that I write out this post today because *gulp* I am going to argue with one of them.

*deep breath*

~*~

utmost hightest

Last night, I read the devotion for January 14th in My Utmost for His Highest by Mr. Chambers.  I love this book.  My copy is worn and faded from my grubby fingers flipping thru the pages over the years.  Just to see it on my nightstand brings a smile to my face as I know that it will challenge me on nearly every level of my spiritual walk…and when I am walking with God as I should, I welcome that challenge.

So you can imagine my surprise when I found myself totally disagreeing with something he said.  (I know…take a deep breath with me on this one!)

The call of God is not just for a select few but for everyone. Whether I hear God’s call or not depends on the condition of my ears, and exactly what I hear depends upon my spiritual attitude.

So far so good…he goes on to quote Matthew 22:14 and says more about relationship with God being needed, which is totally true…but then it happened:

However, God doesn’t single someone out and say ‘Now, you go’.

Wait…what??

I had to re-read the whole passage a few times and came to this conclusion:

I can totally see what he is saying and the point he is making (You can read the full entry by clicking HERE or just go by the “summed up in the Oswald For Dummys version”: relationship with God is the one thing that allows me to have ears that hear His call and a heart willing to respond when He asks who to send in His name. He won’t force me to do His will, but if I am walking with Him I will want to be used by and for Him).  I get it, I do…but it is this one statement, lodged sweetly in the center of his entry, that seemed to be in bold print and highlighted to my brain as the one thing that doesn’t flow with his point.

I drifted off to sleep pondering it…and woke up with it still hanging in the air….and so now I come here, putting it out there to see if anyone else has the answer.

The Bible is full of examples of God singling someone out to do His will.  A few obvious ones?

Noah:

  • He ”found favor in the eyes of the Lord”…”
  • God said to Noah ‘I will bring a flood of waters upon the earth to destroy all flesh in which is the breath of life under heaven. Everything that is on the earth shall die. But I will stablish my covenant with YOU and YOU shall come into the ark…” (Genesis 6)

Abram/Abraham :

  • “Now the Lord said to Abram, ‘Go from YOUr country and YOUr kindred and YOUr father’s house to the land that I will show YOU.” (Genesis 12)
  • “After these things God tested Abraham and said to him, ‘Abraham!’…’Take YOUr only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there…” (Genesis 22)

Isaac:

  • “And the Lord appeard to him and said, ‘Do not go down to Egypt…sojourn in this land and I will be with YOU and will bless YOU…” (Genesis 26)

I can go on and on with the moments in the Bible (and my own life) when God broke into someone’s world to say “Hi. I need you to go that way. Thanks”

So…be nice in your answers, but I am truly seeking your ideas: why would Mr. Chambers (who is amazing in his understanding of the Word) use this sentence to prove his point??

Looking up, as always…

Bina

Breaking The Tape

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I love love.

  • Fairy tale love.
  • Chick flick love.
  • Romance love.

Seriously.  If there was a dictionary that let you look up those three things for a real-world definition…you would see my picture…goofy grin, crazy eyes and all.   My favorite movie is He’s Just Not That Into You … mainly because I relate so much to the lead character, Gigi, as she is:

  • Massively impetuous.
  • Totally head over heels in love with being in love.
  • All or nothing.
  • So innocent that you can’t help but like her…unless you are the guy she has already planned the wedding for after only five minutes together.

My husband always rolls his eyes and groans when I leap across the couch to snatch the remote from his hand to select it from the TV menu…doesn’t matter at what point it is in the movie, I am already living it in my mind.  Just waiting for the end, when the right guy finally tells Gigi that she has found true love…that she is his exception.  He says the line and they kiss…and before I can get the question out of my mouth, my ever patient man says “Yes, dear…you are my exception.”

*sigh*

…but I realize that love is the tape that runs in my head, pushing and pulling at me, telling me to be more, do more…no matter the cost.

Today I am guest posting over at Jennifer’s blog, Finding Heaven.  Won’t you join me over there for the rest of this post…and to discover a woman who inspires me to give more of myself to God and to others.  Click ~> HERE <~ to finish this post.

Looking up, as always…

Bina

choosing to be silent

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My spirit is so very troubled by the way of the world right now.

News blogs, Facebook posts, tweets, Instagram photos…

It seems that everyone must take up a side on new stories about people’s horrible choices… or their lifestyles… or their donation habits.  The depth of emotions flowing from those sides of the “news” pour out in palpable waves, striking the reader in a myriad of ways…hardly any of them positive.

I have my own views on what is going on in the world…and there are moments when I feel it is time for me to pull out my soapbox and megaphone to announce them.  I write my blog post or update my status…and then I take a deep breath and click “send”.

Those moments do happen…but there are oh. so. many. others subjects that leave me at a total loss for words. My own anger and frustration meets with heartbreak and sorrow as I scroll thru the chaos that we now consider news and the backlash that strikes out at anyone willing to stand up and take the “other” viewpoint.

It is those moments when I just don’t know what to say…

…when my heart fills up with emotions I don’t even know how to name…

…when my mind floods with all the words I want to say but won’t…

…when I start to add my two cents only to realize that I won’t do more than stir a pot already boiling over.

It was one of those moments for me tonight.

Emotionally charged over a news story, I sat in my computer chair, praying about whether or not to dust off my trusty soapbox…and then I clicked on a blog post entitled “why we need to be careful what we read (and post) online” and I took a deep breath, knowing I had found my answer.

Duane Scott has such a way with words and today he showed me that while there are times to stand up for what I believe…I shouldn’t do it when I am still in the trenches, battling the emotions that make me want to scream out my opinions.  While I just might be right in what I think, I have to remember that I am called to be slow to speak and slow to anger because MY negative emotions do nothing to produce the righteousness of the God I claim to love (James 1:19-20).

I hope you will pop over to read the words of a very wise man…you can do so by clicking HERE.

Looking up, as always…

Bina

along the wall {Sundays}

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It has been a long week for me…

…physically because my husband was gone, leaving me to take on the the crazy routines of teenagers on the go.

…emotionally because, with him gone, I just don’t sleep as good as my mind really needs me to.

…spiritually because I can feel the pull to drown in His Truth, even while I still don’t understand all that He is trying to say.

But I, through the abundance of Your steadfast love,

will enter Your house.

I will bow down toward Your Holy temple,

in the fear of You.

Lead me, O LORD, in Your righteousness

because of my enemies;

make your way straight before me.

Psalm 4:8

So, I take a deep breath as I sit here, ready for the joy that comes with Sunday…

…releasing the tension of my body.

…surrendering the fatigue of my tired heart.

…following along the wall of His reality, straight and sure.

 

Linking up with those over here:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Looking up, as always…

Bina

When Words Won’t Come

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I have really been battling the fact that I feel like a dry river bed when it comes to writing lately.

I’ve been reading the posts of friends and strangers…and even tho my spirit is greatly encouraged by their passion and creativity, a small part of me withers away a little more with each one because I can barely even write thoughtful words inside a greeting card, much less think of anything meaningful to write about.

“Where did my words go?”

I thought it was because I wasn’t as close to God as I had been.

Getting out of the daily routine of time spent with Him, I knew that I wasn’t doing myself any good…and knowing that I wasn’t doing myself any good, I pulled back from my deeper talks with Him.  The sight of my Bible, computer or journal was a scrape at the scab that had formed over the truth of a friend, avoided…and the more I tried to pretend my own turmoil didn’t exist, the more the numbness took over.

“Why can’t I say what I am thinking?”

Well, if that was the issue, I finally decided to solve it.

I prayed instead of staying quiet…I picked up my Bible and read chapter after chapter…Psalm after Psalm.  And after diving into His Word with the desire to float on the current of Truth, I found myself even more discouraged to find that the words. still. didn’t. come.  Holding a pen over a fresh journal page…staring at a white screen with a pesky, flashing cursor…and nothing…except that same numbing feeling of failure.

“What am I doing wrong?”

Last night, before shutting off the light for the night, I had the burning desire to read from the Bible.

Reaching over to take one I haven’t used in years off the shelf nearest the bed, I let it fall open to a space held by an old book marker…and my eyes were drawn to my own handwriting and then to the words they highlighted.

…and suddenly the need to write melted away under the realization that it hasn’t ever been about the writing.

It hasn’t ever been about me being able to express myself to anyone other than Him, the One who is the giver of my words…the One who is the only reason I can write at all.

The truth is that He really doesn’t care if my expressions come on a screen, or in a journal, or in the margins of my Bible…He only cares that they come.

In a quiet rush, realization hit me: The prayers that I have whispered and cried and lifted as song in the past week have been heard.  The feelings of worthlessness that have cut me down to size have been noticed.  The frustrations over not being able to do what I think I should be able to have been seen.  And in one moment, as my eyes took in the words that were both typed and written, I felt cradled by the Love I have so desperately wanted to feel connected to.

I realize now that I had simply misplaced the ability to write on the shelf labeled “worship” and, in doing so, I had let the enemy stir up the pot of “emotion” in my heart.  And as I finish up this post, my smile is so big it hurts…but as much as I wish I could put into words how amazing it feels to be able to express myself in words again, I just can’t…

…and that is totally ok with me.

Looking up, as always…

Bina